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Obliterate​/​Ugly

by Alien Clouds

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1.
Oh I may never come to peace with my self-destructive tendencies Caught between a binary of chaos and control One-sided battles every night, I wish for death or cleansing light Redeeming features out of sight, own goal after own goal And my head is pounding I'm lost in a game I got stuck on and traded in I shouldn't complain But where will I go? What should I do? I'm flotsam that's drifting away from you Got lost in Picaresque and Clarity, still hoping to be majesty Hung up on all I could achieve if I'd just get out of bed But after years of hate, decades of doubt, and lifetimes as a layabout You hate the body in which you've been found, at war with your own head And this world's collapsing The pixels decay This life is a battlefield I shouldn't complain But where will I go? What should I do? I'm flotsam that's drifting away from you And what do I want? Who can I be? I'm a target, obliterate me
2.
I'm arguing with tigers in a language I don’t understand I'm walking on eggshells that I've carefully arranged by hand I'm running through a fire after showering in oil I'm leaving my common sense behind and returning to home soil I am doing my best to guard myself and shelter from the storm That’s raging in my head and permanently changing form Water, fire, earth and air Hold me softly, take away my despair I’m dancing in the darkness through a labyrinth of lies I’m navigating unknown seas, and fighting with the tide I’m wrestling my fears and the doubts that I’ve helped to create I’m doing all I can to stay alive cause I’m afraid I am taking care to be prepared for the trials that lie ahead Not taking too much notice of the days I wish I’m dead Water, fire, earth and air Take me somewhere far from here And every time I catch myself thinking along those lines I’m likely to not challenge it and just pour a glass of wine Transmuting cells in absence, scared that I’m not ready yet To let myself be happy, oh I’d rather just forget Water, fire, earth and air Blur my vision, drown my fear Copper, iron, gold and lead Calm this cyclone in my head
3.
2:24 04:28
I wrote my own commandments that I’ll never follow A litany of rules that only help me wallow Meticulous requirements I can’t possibly ignore That fail to guide, only torment and leave me lying on the floor I hold myself to standards that I’ll never reach I used to think myself a leader who could guide or maybe teach But I can’t trust myself, ambition left outdoors Because I promised that this song would last two minutes twenty four Specific outlines, guidelines, call them what you want but they’re far from helpful Consisting of half-lies and psyches I can’t comprehend no matter how I’d like to It’s not the end of the road but we’re approaching a bend Don’t shoot the messenger, it’s your fault there’s no gates to defend I’d write titles before songs, collect a catalogue Like “Kids On Wheels” or “Cancelled Plans”, “Going to Cardiff” “Dog So Large I Can’t See Past It”, all hopelessly romantic I’d place myself on pantheons to feel a little less lost Start a notebook again if it’s already written in Can’t mix or match my purposes, I’m wearing thin with myself I need help Call up my friends to complain, consider starting again I’m gonna say what I need to say, no matter how long it takes I’m gonna say what I need to say, no matter how long it takes The only boxes I’ll fit into will be the ones that I create I’m gonna say what I need to say, no matter how long it takes Find gender-neutral terms for king or empress, live in fiction Convince myself this shapeless body’s owt but dereliction Escape the present, think of ways that I could change to get away From the fear that I may never be happy Up and down we spiral out again We drank too much, bled out and lost our friends But at least we get the chance to try again I’m gonna say what I need to say, no matter how long it takes I’m gonna say what I need to say, no matter how long it takes The only boxes I’ll fit into will be the ones that I create I’m gonna say what I need to say, no matter how long it takes You can’t deny me or disguise me, this is what I am
4.
Ugly Piano 02:33
Gather secrets, hide them in a cage under my chest Looking best in red eye-shadow and a charity shop dress The city looks like nothing gazing down from eight floors up I make a dismal list of reasons why I shouldn’t want to jump This is mine, this is mine, this is mine, this is mine This is mine, this is mine, this is mine, this is mine The sleeping pills are cheaper than I previously thought I scuttle like a spider under fear of being caught No shame in being sad but scared to get essential help I couldn’t face the pain, I couldn’t recognise myself This is mine, this is mine, this is mine, this is mine Not a man and that’s fine, this is mine, this is mine There is joy in this life, rather die than deny This is mine, this is mine, I’ll pretend that it’s fine The songs I thought would resonate are far too on the nose If this is not to be enshrined then let it just erode Sometimes I’d rather die than live a life that’s insincere But right now all I hope for is to burn and disappear
5.
Colour returned to my cheeks watching my favourite band in the August sun Feelings I’d repressed bubble up, the future has begun They showed me it was okay to be the way I am And as long as I’m not dying I can exist without a plan How can you not understand? How can you feel the way you do? I won’t let you hurt my friends I won’t entertain you Come down and sing at the top of your voice You’re always gonna be with me against my choice I’ve been strong, I’ve been brave, I’ve been scared, but I’m still here Spent so long at the gates of my head just wishing for all to be clear You think I am the enemy but I just want to exist No matter what you call at me, you are nothing compared to this How can you not understand? How can you feel the way you do? I won’t let you hurt my friends I won’t entertain you Come down and sing at the top of your voice You’re always gonna be with me against my choice I drink ‘til I cry, never question why I stay out too late until the pavement is flush with my face I love being who I am I don’t give a damn what you think, I’m right And I’ll try, I’ll try until I feel alright I love being who I am I don’t give a damn what you think, I’m right And I’ll try, I’ll try until I feel alright I love being who I am I don’t give a damn what you think, I’m right And I’ll try, I’ll try until I feel alright I love being who I am I don’t give a damn what you think, I’m right And I’ll try, I’ll try until I feel alright Come down and sing at the top of your voice You’re always gonna be with me against my choice
6.
You think you’ve got the upper hand, but I’ve analysed and memorised your patterns of attack I’ve tried my best to understand why you’ve nullified and left my pride amongst the bric-a-brac You’ve tried so hard to hurt me and slowly shut me down but I know what you’re saying isn’t true You’ve done your best to kill me and turn my friends around, but I was made stronger than you I can feel a hot one as I peer over the edge of the gothic railroad bridge Suicide is not an option, I’ve survived all this offence, I am strong enough for this But if it were to kill me, that would not be weak, more like a final battle cry The government won’t help us, we’re tired and we’re sick, but I don’t want you to die I will survive, I will survive When all is done and all is said, this world was not designed for folk like you or me But if there’s only one phrase left The hands of time will move, but they will not move me The hands of time will move, but they will not move me The hands of time will move, but they will not move me

about

six songs written between March 2018 and November 2019. I talk about my relationship with my brain and my body.

content warnings
alcohol: track 2, track 3, track 5
suicidal ideation: track 4, track 6

thank you to everyone who's made this possible, given my music the time of day, put me on, came to a show, spread the word around, and just generally been in my life. you're all wonderful and this wouldn't have been possible without you

thank you to every band and promoter who gave me the time of day between tidal wave and this, including but not limited to: slash fiction, nervous rex, tits up, the sewer cats, follow your dreams, animal byproducts, nervus, adult mom, milk crimes, civil service, sarah carey, fightmilk, wolf girl, carol hodge, c duncan, margaret thatcher's rotting corpse, cloughster, tc costello, slack bird, qfolk, falaun, piss kitti, before breakfast. thank you to michael webster and bread records for the unending support and friendship.

credits

released May 8, 2020

Adam Carpenter: lyrics, guitars, keys, vocals, anxiety

Michael Webster: production, additional instrumentation, soy milk

Em Foster: artwork, advice, anarchy

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Alien Clouds Manchester, UK

emo-folk for emo folks

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