1. |
NYE 2018
03:16
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two of my idols both named Nye, from Wales and Scotland, either side of the place I'm fated to reside for what will feel like several lives. I'm treading water best I can, I'll carry on til I reach land.
we lived for nights like these in spite of laddishness and blinkered eyes, ignoring what's been done before, handing the lot the keys to our door. you always had a charming smile, your colours shone as you beguiled and handed on your poisoned crown. men will always let us down. men will always let us down.
look to the future til you're blind. these aren't the best days of our lives.
it's been a tough year but we're still hanging on although our leaders want us gone. we've knuckled down and persevered and buckled up to face our fears. my new year's resolution is to work on new solutions as I fix my mental health and hope the love I have for friends is shown.
I cannot be contained in code. I cannot be contained in code.
we're barnacles stuck to the hull of a liner left on cruise control, but before the rocks and waves collide, we'll stay true to what's inside. we'll never give in to the tide. unapolagetic til we die. angelic as we look to the future til we're blind. these aren't the best days of our lives.
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2. |
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hit my head on the floor I shiver and shake. run across to the door, I'm used to this pain. another panic attack, I think I can cope. if I keep on breathing I know there is hope.
there's nothing left to do but gaze out at the wreck of the afternoon.
as the memories fade I don't know how I got here. as the light turns to shade I grab another beer. day after day after day after day it's always this way. it's always this way.
too many things on my mind, I know I need to slow down. too many pressing deadlines, my head is spinning around. allow time to worry, it'll work out fine. I'm fighting a goblin that's trapped in my mind.
as the camera sways I fall out of frame. try to work up the courage, refuse to take on the blame.
you are more than your worst days. you are more than your flaws. you are something worth living. you are more than your worst days. you are more than your flaws. you are not a lost cause. you are something worth living for. you are not a lost cause.
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3. |
Hell
01:49
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hell awaits my friends. rolling in sin like pigs, inevitable. we all share the end: no matter how far you dig, you'll always feel ill. I want to smile like an angel could smile and I want to smile like I felt happy and I don't want to go yet.
hell awaits, my friends. writing these poems for what? the leaves have all fell. I accept myself. more in love now than ever, and it's just as well. I want to feel your hands on my hands and I want to feel your hands on my neck and I'd rather die than deny who I am.
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4. |
Paint It Over
02:58
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leave the bottle be you'll feel better come morning. tell yourself that old lie that you know never works. oh sertraline, you're the last thing I wanted, scared by a stigma that sticks and impliles that you're cursed.
paint it over, you're needing something new. paint it over in shades of pink and blue. paint it over, it's all that you can do.
leave the mirror there, such a grotesque reflection. tell yourself that this can and will not last. oh familiar fear, masterful at deflection. tell yourself that it's stuck in your past.
paint it over, ah, such a frightening scene. paint it over, been guzzling turpentine. paint it over. I know I've never been discreet. I wish that I felt clean. I've never been discreet but I wish that I felt clean.
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5. |
National Pride
01:31
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throw me in jail for this song. tear down the palace walls, take out the grand piano, set up a bar in these halls. I am an enemy of all my country's values. I stand before you now, prouder than your marble statues.
call it abolition unless it's still illegal. I don't fit in your boxes but I'm still one of your people until I die with a sense of national pride.
cafodd Cymru ei ladd gan y Saeson yn yr hen ddyd - a fyddaf yn para tan fis Medi? I am an alien from a green and distant land. may flee to Scotland, at least they'll understand.
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6. |
Soulless Thought
01:59
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this building is killing itself. this building will die in its sleep. this building is falling apart and I don't know if I'll last another week. this panic is out of control. this panic is melting things down. this panic is hurting my heart and throwing my body around.
it's a soulless thought. I don't know what I can do with it, will I go through with this, or will it just be forgot?
I'm doing the best that I can. I'm struggling to pin myself down. the world is a frightening place but I'm trying so hard to ensure I am found. I want to help everyone but I can't help myself. if I don't give a damn what the hell I am how can I try to work on my health?
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7. |
Deuteronomy 22:5
03:52
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all I want to be is unconscious and live in a better body. my sight and hearing clearer than my conscience, my heart is too heavy. I assess my sins and plot them in a spreadsheet one by one, assume that these affect my friends. I always jump the gun. every time I mess up it's you who has to clean up the mess. I am evil, I am bad, and I am exceptionally well dressed.
I wish I looked like Ezra, Springsteenian and sleek, androgyny coming naturally, but I'm cowardly and meek. I highlight libel in my bible, try and follow petty rules. I avoid the bigger picture for I'd only look a fool. every time I mess up it's you who has to clean up the mess. but I am gifted, I am good, and I am exceptionally well dressed.
head to toe in midnight robes looking like a horror film. mirrors never tell the truth so I try not to look in. seconds feeling like decades waiting for the place to clear. breathe at last, sigh in relief and maybe finally face your fears.
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8. |
Cornish Coast
01:50
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the scent of autumn garlic lingered in the air, battling the salty spray as the wind got in my hair. I thought I was a runaway until I gazed back out to sea. the Bristol channel beckons me.
the Cornish coast still visible, the seagulls chatter on. I thought of Myles is staying there and I thought where I belong, cause home to me is gazing out across a choppy sea. the Irish waters beckon me.
I'll travel on til I feel sore or I run out of my meds. I'll sing some dreary eidolon of how I wish that I was dead. it's worth it when I'm with my love and we face the northern breeze. the sailor's life is one for me.
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9. |
Pretty
02:58
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I want to feel pretty when I die so when I leave this world I'll be looking so much better than I did in life. I want to feel happy as I go, I want no secrets left, known as only myself as a whole.
sometimes it's hard to let the light in. it's hard to be. I guess I'm pretty.
I want to feel better than I do. I don't want to be afraid of you. I want to walk in the sun, watch the flowers and the gulls with my friends there to carry me through. I want to not feel scared again. I am never going to feel shame. I want to be prepared for the next time I feel scared. I want control over my brain.
damn it, what did you want me to say? if I told you what I wanted would I still be feeling haunted today?
I want to feel prettier than this. I want bliss and I want space to grow like a weed and to finally breathe in a world where you all know my name.
if I told you what I wanted would you still be feeling haunted today?
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10. |
Teddy Bear Bridge
01:50
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mulling on what Sarah said: "we are every building". walking round a town that's dead gathering old feelings. cross the bridge you've crossed a thousand times, admit it hurts. walk until the clouds affect your sight and then disperse. since the last time you were here, you've gotten worse.
mulling on the bad old days, vodka, pills and wine. acting one of them felt strange, but it was hurt or fall in line. cross the road you've crossed a million times, curse the weather. breathe in deep and watch the herons fly, get it together. maybe next time you come here, you'll feel better. maybe next time you come here you'll feel better.
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Alien Clouds Manchester, UK
emo-folk for emo folks
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